Part 1: Listening With Your Trauma

Trauma is something we’ve all been exposed to. We may not experience it the same way, but we’re all impacted. Trauma helps shape who we are—our character, our beliefs, our fears, and even our anxious moments (Van der Kolk, 2014).

That one time you were in an accident.
That childhood event you’ll never forget.
The way someone spoke to you.
The way you watched someone else get hurt.
The way someone hurt you.
Or even the way you hurt someone else.

These are the moments that leave marks. They shape our stories, our behaviors, our way of moving through the world.

Today, I want to talk about trauma responses. Do you know what yours is? Do you know how it influences your relationships and how you show up for others?

Recently, I met someone who struggled with happiness. Every time he let his guard down, the people closest to him betrayed him. This pattern repeated itself, especially in his intimate relationships. It became clear, after observing him, that he was listening with his trauma. That means almost any conversation could become a trigger. Even when something said had nothing to do with him, he’d hear pain. He’d hear betrayal. He’d lash out. He’d become verbally aggressive.

This is what Stephen Porges (2011) calls a trauma-driven shift in how our nervous system responds to safety and threat. He theorizes that when trauma is unresolved, we can begin interpreting neutral situations as dangerous—without even realizing it.

It was painful to witness—and even more painful for him to live through.

This kind of trauma response is hard to address. It requires a safe space, like therapy, where healing can begin. Without that space, trauma can distort our perception, damaging our connections. We might find ourselves stuck in a cycle—seeing betrayal everywhere, even from those who are patient, supportive, and loving—until they, too, are pushed away in self-preservation (Cloitre et al., 2009).

The truth is: if you don’t heal it, you feel it—on repeat.

What I hope you take from this is simple but powerful:

Deal with your trauma.

Spend time with yourself. Notice behaviors you don’t love. Notice the moments of sadness, of anger, and sit with them. Ask where they’re coming from. Pay attention to the patterns. Ask yourself: Did that moment really deserve the reaction I gave it?

Daniel Siegel (2012) reminds us that self-awareness and reflection are key to healing. The brain has the capacity to rewire itself when we reflect on and process past experiences.

You are not your trauma. But it is part of your story.
Process it, so it doesn't control your narrative.

Further Reading

• Cloitre, M., Stolbach, B. C., Herman, J. L., van der Kolk, B., Pynoos, R., Wang, J., & Petkova, E. (2009). A developmental approach to complex PTSD: A multi‐domain framework for assessment and treatment. Journal of Traumatic Stress, 22(6), 522–535. https://doi.org/10.1002/jts.20444

• Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. New York, NY: Norton.

• Siegel, D. J. (2012). The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are (2nd ed.). New York, NY: Guilford Press.

• Van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. New York, NY: Viking.