Part 4: Parenting While Unhealed

When the Past Parents the Present

You promised you’d never yell like your dad.
You swore you’d always listen, unlike your mom.
You said you'd be gentle, patient, present.

But then came the tantrum.
The backtalk.
The moment you felt disrespected… or powerless… or unseen.
And before you could catch it, you became the very thing you swore you wouldn’t.

You’re not a bad parent.
You’re a triggered one.

Unhealed Trauma Doesn’t Disappear—It Reenacts

Here’s the truth many people don’t say out loud:
Sometimes, your child’s behavior triggers the exact part of you that was never allowed to be a child.

And in those moments, your wounded inner child steps into the parent seat.

• You yell because no one ever listened to your quiet voice.

• You shut down because being emotionally available was never modeled for you.

• You over-apologize because you were made to feel responsible for adults' feelings when you were little.

Unprocessed trauma becomes parenting autopilot.

The Cycle: From Pain to Protection to Projection

When you haven’t had space to heal, your nervous system becomes hyper-attuned to danger—even where there is none.

• You might see defiance where there's a child expressing a need.

• You might hear disrespect where there's a child seeking connection.

• You might punish instead of pause—because that's what was done to you.

As Dr. Shefali Tsabary writes in The Conscious Parent, most parenting is not about raising the child, but about healing the parent.

Real Talk: Love Isn’t Enough

We love our kids deeply—but if our trauma goes unchecked, our love might get lost in our reactions.

Parenting isn’t just about protecting children from the world.
It’s about protecting them from the patterns we survived.

So What Can You Do?

1. Apologize Authentically

Repair is powerful. “I’m sorry I yelled. That wasn’t about you. I’m working on it.”

Apologizing to your child doesn’t undermine your authority—it humanizes you.

2. Regulate Yourself Before You Redirect Them

Your child’s brain is still learning how to manage big emotions.
They learn from you.
So breathe. Step away. Re-enter with intention.

🧠 Pro Tip: Learn your own nervous system cues.
Are you going into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode?

3. Talk to Little You

Sometimes, the child that needs the most parenting… is your inner one.

Hold her.
Let her cry.
Let her know it wasn’t her fault.
Then go and parent like the cycle ends with you—because it does.

Journaling Prompt:

What is one parenting moment that made you feel out of control? What memory or belief did it activate in you?

Affirmation:

I am learning to parent without repeating pain. I am safe. My child is safe. We are healing together.

📚 Further Reading:

• Tsabary, S. (2010). The Conscious Parent.

• Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The Whole-Brain Child.

• Perry, B. D., & Winfrey, O. (2021). What Happened to You?

• Maté, G. (2011). Hold On to Your Kids.

Coming Up Next: When Boundaries Feel Like Betrayal

Let’s explore why it feels so wrong to set boundaries—especially when you grew up believing your worth depended on being available to everyone but yourself.