Part 5: When Boundaries Feel Like Betrayal

Boundaries: Love Letters to Yourself

Let’s get real.
You say “yes” when you mean “I’m exhausted.”
You answer texts that drain you.
You offer help, even when no one asked—and especially when you shouldn't.

And when you do try to say “no”?
The guilt hits like a tidal wave.
Why?

Why is it so hard to say not without feeling like you're letting someone down?

Maybe its because for many of us living with trauma, boundaries don’t feel like safety. They feel like betrayal. "Why am I saying now, when I can?" We convince ourselves we can because the alternative and fear of rejection becomes greater in our minds than the enormous amount of energy it will drain from our body to just "do it".

Trauma Teaches Us to Abandon Ourselves

It's not okay, but it is true. Our past trauma often conditions our mind to abandon self in a bid to become 'selfless' and kind; making everyone else happy. If you were raised in an environment where love was conditional on your compliance—then speaking up, pushing back, or simply choosing you feels wrong.

You learned early that:

• Saying “no” = losing love.

• Expressing needs = being difficult.

• Prioritizing self = being selfish.

So you shapeshifted.
You became the helper, the fixer, the overgiver.
You became good—even if it meant being invisible.

Here’s the Thing: Guilt ≠ Wrongdoing

Guilt is not always a moral compass.
Sometimes, it’s just a trauma echo.
It’s your nervous system reacting to a new behavior that once felt dangerous.

As Dr. Thema Bryant puts it:

“Guilt is often what freedom feels like the first time.”

Why It Feels So Bad to Do What’s Good for You

Your body remembers the consequence of not complying.
The silence. The punishment. The love that got withdrawn.

So even when your adult self sets a boundary, your younger self panics:
“What if they leave me?”

The fear is real. But so is this truth:
People who love you won’t leave because you honor yourself.
And people who do leave? Were benefiting from your lack of boundaries.

So What Can You Do?

1. Name the Old Story

Write it out:

“I believe setting boundaries means ______.”
Then rewrite it:
“But I now choose to believe ______.”

2. Start Small and Hold Steady

You don’t need to build walls overnight.
Start with a simple “I can’t commit to that right now.”
Hold the line—even when your body says run.

3. Feel the Guilt—Then Keep Going

You can feel guilty and still set the boundary.
Let guilt ride shotgun if it must—but you are in the driver’s seat.

Affirmation:

My boundaries do not make me unkind. They make me honest. And honesty is love.

Journaling Prompt:

What’s one boundary you’ve been afraid to set? What do you fear would happen if you did? What would it mean about you if it didn’t go well?

📚 Further Reading:

• Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection.

• Bryant, T. (2022). Homecoming: Overcome Fear and Trauma to Reclaim Your Whole, Authentic Self.

• Lerner, H. (1985). The Dance of Anger.

• Maté, G. (2022). The Myth of Normal.

Coming Up Next: When Silence Becomes Your Safety

We’ll explore why trauma survivors often shut down in conflict, avoid hard conversations, and struggle to use their voice. Silence can protect—but it can also imprison.