Part 9: Touch and Trauma – When Affection Feels Unsafe

When Touch Feels Like a Landmine

Ever find yourself recoiling from a hug, flinching at a hand on your shoulder, or holding your breath during a kiss?
It’s not that you don’t want connection.
You do.
But your body has learned to interpret touch as something dangerous—something that can hurt you in ways words never could.

You’re not alone.
Trauma can hijack the natural desire for affection, leaving you disconnected from your own body.

Why Does Touch Feel Unsafe?

Your skin holds your memories, both the tender ones and the traumatic ones.
For someone who’s experienced physical or emotional abuse, the act of touch can bring forward old sensations—fear, helplessness, betrayal, or anger—especially if those emotions are unresolved.

When you’ve been touched in a way that was abusive, inconsistent, or painful, your body may develop an automatic defense mechanism: avoidance.
Touch, once a source of comfort, now feels like a signal of potential harm.

When Trauma Alters Your Sense of Self

For some survivors, touch can also trigger feelings of unworthiness:

• “I don’t deserve to be touched gently.”

• “I don’t trust others to touch me with love.”

• “I must keep a distance to keep myself safe.”

This disconnection from touch doesn’t make you weak—it’s an understandable result of your nervous system trying to protect you. The mind can’t always explain what the body has been through, but the body knows.

Healing the Disconnect

While it may feel impossible to reconnect with the healing power of touch, it is possible to reclaim it with time, patience, and self-awareness.

Healing requires safety.
You can’t rush it. You can’t force it. But you can gently nurture a new relationship with physical affection.

So What Can You Do?

1. Start with Your Own Touch

Self-soothing techniques like gently placing your hands over your heart, giving yourself a hug, or running your fingers over your arms can help you reconnect with your body in a gentle, non-threatening way.

2. Communicate Your Boundaries Clearly

When it comes to touch, express your needs. If you’re not ready for physical affection, let people know. There’s no shame in wanting to protect your personal space.

3. Reclaim Agency in Touch

With safe people, explore what kinds of touch feel comforting: maybe it’s holding hands, a gentle massage, or just sitting close with no physical contact. As your boundaries are respected, your nervous system will learn to trust again.

Affirmation:

I am allowed to say “no” to touch that doesn’t feel safe. I am worthy of affection that honors my body and my boundaries.

Journaling Prompt:

Think about a time when touch made you feel safe. What was the context? What did it feel like to be touched in that way?

📚 Further Reading:

• Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma.

• Siegel, D. J. (2012). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are.

• Perry, B. D. & Szalavitz, M. (2006). The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog: And Other Stories from a Child Psychiatrist’s Notebook.

• Hendrix, H. (2004). Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples.

Coming Up Next: The Lies We Tell Ourselves About Healing

In the next post, we’ll uncover some of the myths and misconceptions about trauma healing—like the idea that you should be “over it” by now or that healing happens in a straight line.

Ready to break some myths with me? Let’s dive into it next time.